Q&A
by Mitch Stone, the Accidental Expert
When I began writing this column a few years ago, I made a fateful decision. I decided that the world was already getting plenty of computer advice, and I was determined not to become just one more techno-Ann Landers.
It was more useful, I decided, to consume my allotment of ink in an effort to shed some light on the larger issues located at the intersection of humans beings and technology. This was a slightly grandiose mandate, I realize, but more personally challenging then repeatedly explaining how to "cut and paste" or defragment a hard drive -- as if I really knew how.
Unfortunately, I underestimated the everyday bewilderment of my readers.
Because, although I've never solicited reader questions, or answered them in this space, hardly a week goes by when someone doesn't approach me wearing that expression of furious desperation reserved for computer problems -- or the state lottery, but only when the grand prize exceeds $28 million.
Something isn't working, and for some reason they think I can fix it. I assume this is because they've already asked everyone else they know, but I try to be polite and helpful anyway.
Still, I've built up quite a backlog of unanswered questions, and they keep coming.
So, I surrender. Here, for the first time, is a representative cross-section of the technology questions I hear on a regular basis, along with the best answers I can muster.
Q: What kind of digital camera should I buy?
A: You should buy the model coming out next month. Not only will it have more features, it will be much cheaper then the current models. This advice applies equally to all months in all years, and will be in effect until further notice.
Q: In Windows, why is the "shut down" command found under the "start up" menu?
A: For answering questions like these, I imagine myself sporting a great snowy white beard and clothed in a saffron robe. Pressing my palms together, I softly chant, "Life is a series of beginnings and endings. One must start up before one shuts down; shut down before one starts up. With time you will discover these cosmic relationships on your own."
Q: I am a complete technology dodo and would like to get on the Internet. What kind of computer should I buy?
A: You'll need at least a 1.2 ghz Pentium III tower running Windows 2000, with 256 megabytes of RAM, a 16x CD-RW drive, DVD drive, accelerated 3-D graphics board, USB, PS/2, serial, IEEE-1394 ports, two, 30 gig ATA hard drives, and a ZIP drive, with a 17-inch flat-panel TFT display.
Buying a cheaper or less complex system would be a complete waste of time and money, and would only serve to insure that your computer will be totally obsolete even before you unpack the carton. This advice is free. All future advice will be charged at my standard billing rate of $90.00 per hour.
Q: I'm trying to decide between DSL and ISDN Internet service. What's the difference?
A: Both are cable modem services, and both will supply you with high-speed, always-on Internet connections over your existing phone lines. DSL stands for "digital subscriber line," meaning it's digital, and you'll pay for it monthly. DSL has almost entirely replaced ISDN, which stands for "I still don't know," because this is what the phone company customer service representative says when you ask how it works.
Q: A window pops up on my screen every few minutes, displaying the message "Merry Christmas!" It then starts playing random bits of holiday music. This began a few days before Thanksgiving and is really starting to get on my nerves. Is this some sort of computer virus, and if so, how do I remove it?
A: Yes, it is, and no, it can't be stopped. It will run continuously until December 26, and then start up again next year and every year thereafter, a couple of days earlier each time.
Well, I apologize if I can't solve all of your computer problems, but at least I can wish you patience, good cheer and happy holidays.
4 December 2000 |
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