A Brand New Shtick
by Mitch Stone, the Accidental Expert
Okay, I admit it. I'm at least a little envious.
Lo these many years, during a time when many others have found their fame and fortune in the high technology punditry business, I remain but a toiler in the field. And I think I've finally figured out why.
As they say in showbiz, I need a gimmick. A "shtick." A better routine.
I should learn by example. The inexplicably popular Dr. Emilio Bombay has ripped his brass ring from the merry-go-round of journalistic fame by treating his readers to a constant barrage of withering disdain. As if computer users don't already feel abused enough, this latter-day Marque de Sade dispenses a steady stream of snide yet snotty computer advice through his syndicated column and Web site.
His shtick: to make his readers feel small, stupid and helpless. And what a perfectly wonderful job he does at it. Hit me again, Dr. Bombay! Please?
And don't get me started with Jeff Levy. This guy pulls in a great living in print and on radio dispensing utterly obvious wisdom like some sort of high-tech Dr. Joyce Brothers. Personally, I find this shtick about as engaging as an afternoon at Costco. But people seem to lap it up, so what do I know?
All of which tells me, if I'm ever going to climb the lofty heights of technology journalism, I'm going to need a completely new approach to this column. So, starting today, I'm trying out a different format. It's my new shtick.
I call it "Point and Click, the Technology Brothers." Let's see how it goes.
(Memo to self: Find partner. Learn to laugh like an asthmatic horse.)
Point: The next e-mail is from Donna in Chicago...
Click: I'll bet Donna uses a Dell. All Donnas use Dells. Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
Point: Will you just shuddup for just a minute? Donna writes, "My boyfriend told me the reason I'm having trouble downloading from the Internet is because I don't have enough bandwidth. What's bandwidth, and how do I get more of it?"
Click: Good question, Donna. Bandwidth — isn't that the distance between the saxophone and the tuba sections? Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
Point: That's got to be just about the dumbest remark you've made in the last five minutes.
Click: You're just mad because you didn't think of it first. Hey Donna, you want bandwidth? Get DSL. It's like having a septic tank truck plugged into the plumbing of your house. So every time you flush, the Internet will back up into your sink.
Point: That's some answer. I'm surprised you didn't tell her to find a new boyfriend.
Click. Yeah, that's right — with DSL, Donna won't have time for a boyfriend! Bwahh-haw-haw-haw! Well, who's the next reader we can mislead with our completely lousy advice?
Point: Trevor in Buffalo asks, "My wife and I are having a disagreement. We need to buy a new computer. She's a Mac person, but as far as I'm concerned, the Mac is lame and I think we need a Windows machine. We're having a huge argument over which one to get."
Click: Domestic incompatibility issues — I love this kind of question! Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
Point: Sounds like irreconcilable differences to me. Look, you guys are probably headed for a breakup anyway...
Click: And we'll be happy to speed up the process. Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
Point: Seriously, I had the same problem with my wife — but not any more, because now I have my own apartment. Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
Click: Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
Well, you get the idea. I hope you like my new, refreshing approach to technology writing. I feel confident that my share of fame and fortune can't be far off. So don't look back, Dr. Bombay — I'm gaining on you. Bwahh-haw-haw-haw!
04 November 2002 |
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