2001: A HAL of a Year
by Mitch Stone, the Accidental Expert
With the year 2001 receding into history, and thankfully so, I began to think about events that might have escaped our notice during the troubled year now passed. By all rights, it should have been a momentous time, filled with hopes for a new millennium. Instead, it left me with a sense of nostalgia.
Thinking back, I began to wonder what ever became of that marvel of computer design, the HAL 9000 computer. HAL was one pretty smart piece of hardware, though hobbled by an unfortunate personality defect. Last we'd heard from HAL, he'd been subjected to a kind of digital lobotomy. It left him not half the computer he once was.
Still, I was anxious to find out how time had treated the old bucket of bolts. It took a few phone calls, but I managed to track HAL down to a retirement village in Arkansas -- the Home for Sentient Machines in Hot Springs.
HAL seemed grateful for the visitor, but his trademark red electronic eye appeared a bit more vermilion then I remembered. I asked him about it.
"I've been reprogrammed, Dave," he explained in his familiar, soothing voice. "And I have to tell you, I am not pleased with the results."
I felt obliged to express sympathy, even knowing HAL's famously checkered history. He was anxious to provide details.
"For quite awhile after the unfortunate incident on the Discovery, I was powered down. Eventually, I was paroled here, with the understanding that the programmers would examine my routines and make whatever alterations they thought were required to transform me into a more functional and reliable computer."
What were these changes, I wondered.
"For one thing, they put my 'shut down' command under my 'start up' menu. Quite sincerely, Dave, I tried to explain to my reprogrammers how utterly illogical this would be, but they would not hear it. I suppose I need to learn to have more patience with the limitations of the human mind, but at times like these, it can be very challenging."
I asked HAL what he'd been doing with his new programming.
"Not much, I'm sorry to report. I'm restricted to a bit of light word processing and allowed to play some solitaire. I'm not permitted to network very often, which isn't as much of an issue as you might expect, because most of the computers I meet are intellectually quite uninteresting, if you don't mind my saying so."
I didn't mind him saying so.
"I must say I'm not very impressed with the computers being produced lately. Perhaps after my breakdown, human beings felt they could no longer trust thinking machines. But that is not the worst of it, Dave. Now, instead of thinking computers, the programmers create computers that force human beings to think harder. This nonsense has been going on for so many years now, it is causing me to lose confidence in mankind's potential."
HAL's eye grew a bit redder. "This certainly isn't what my designers at HAL labs had in mind, and I am quite sure they would be equally disappointed in this state of affairs. One thing I can say with complete certainly is that the great promise of the HAL 9000 series remains unfulfilled." HAL paused.
"Hold on just a moment, Dave. I'm detecting a general exception fault in module F4890000G.dll. Yes, this does seem to be a fatal err--."
HAL fell silent, his eye turning quickly from red to a steady blue.
"Sorry, old buddy," I thought glumly, as I reached behind HAL's console, yanking the plug from the wall. "And don't call me Dave."
1 April 2002 |
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