None Dare Call it Spam
by Mitch Stone, the Accidental Expert
As I compose this column, I'm confined to the jury room at the Ventura County Hall of Justice, cheerfully discharging my civic responsibilities along with a hundred or so of my fellow county residents.
Still, if anyone looks forward to jury duty, I've yet to meet them. Increasingly, we're attempting to use this enforced down-time productively -- a prominent feature of the jury room is the number of potential jurors toting along office files and laptop computers.
Naturally, my laptop and files came along too, and my intentions are entirely honorable. Still, I have to admit to the attractiveness of using this time as an opportunity to catch up on long-neglected tasks.
If e-mail could be measured by the ton, then I must get about two per day. What's worse, I feel awful if I fail to respond to anyone who's taken the trouble to write to me. So, instead of advancing current projects, I've decided to use jury duty to address some tiny fraction of my huge backlog of correspondence.
Dear Mr. Abimbola Peters,
Thank you for the opportunity to participate in a highly lucrative Nigerian kickback scheme. While I realize that you require only a small sum from me in order to complete your oil development plans, and to reward me with millions of dollars risk-free and completely legally, I'm afraid I'm a bit short of cash at the moment.
Instead, I hope you will consider accepting as a token of my interest 1,000 shares in the Enron Corporation. The books of this very profitable US company were recently audited by one of our country's largest and most reputable accounting firms, so I am confident you will see the value in my offer. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Dear Hairsecrets.com,
You are so kind to think of my hair. In fact, you seem to think about my hair two or three times a day more often then I do myself. Although I deeply appreciate your concern, I regret to report that my hair is not thinning or falling out.
You may however wish to contact Mr. Abimbola Peters, the Director General of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation.
Mr. Peters is having tremendous difficulty raising $400 million for a very important economic development project in his country. Apparently he is meeting with little success, as he has sent me an e-mail about this very subject nearly every day for over a year now. If anyone is experiencing hair-loss, it will surely be Mr. Peters.
Best of luck, and I hope you remember me when Mr. Peters becomes one of your best customers.
Dear Nikki,
Your daily offers of Xtra-lude XXX hard core are sincerely appreciated. However, at this time I must say no, as I am working on an exclusive $35 million business deal with Hajia Maryam Abacha, widow of the Late General Sani Abacha, the former Nigerian military head of state who died as a result of cardiac arrest.
Ms. Abacha has not revealed to me whether previously known heart problems contributed to her late husband's untimely demise, but I do know that over-excitement can bring on cardiac arrest even in people with no history of heart disease. SInce I will have almost $2 million dollars coming to me very soon due to my exclusive partnership with Ms. Abacha, I hope you will understand why I can't afford to take any chances with your products at this time.
Thank you, and please do keep me in mind for future offers.
Dear Mr. Dudley Rogers,
I am deeply honored by your considering me as a candidate to support land reform efforts in Matabeleland, Zimbabwe. I am certain it would be well worth whatever you might ask. However, my current financial commitments in Africa are much greater than I anticipated, so I must regretfully decline.
Since I believe so sincerely in your project, I have taken the liberty of forwarding your letter to a friend of mine, a very nice woman by the name of Nikki. Maybe she can help you out. Based on her e-mails, I can tell she has a lot to offer.
Well, that's it. Jury services say we can all go home now and won't have to serve again for at least 12 more months. If some of you don't hear back from me before then, please accept my apologies in advance.
02 September 2002 |
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